Funny (but Offensive!) Horoscope: The Dirty Truth About Each Sign. Part 1.

Before we get to the dirt I promised to you guys in the clickbait-y title there are a few disclaimers I need to make:

Disclaimer #1. I am not the author of the original text. The author is, unfortunately, unknown and this text has been circulating the ru-net since the early 00’s as a sort of new-age folklore. I am, however, the author of the translation you’re about to read. I’ll do my best to  keep to the original whimsical style (not so difficult as it is close to my own) and the use of the profanity (slightly more difficult as English is my second language after all).

Disclaimer #2. As the title clearly states, much of what is said about each sign is offensive… or can be taken as offensive by people with severe humor deficiency. So if you don’t think you can stomach some home truths about your sign in an exaggeratedly caricature manner and heavily seasoned with dirty words – this is your chance to surf away to something more agreeable. 

Disclaimer #3. This is just the basic undiluted sign archetype descriptions. Unless you were born with a 7-planet stellium in the same sign, chances are you have a mixture of energies. So checking out the big three (Sun-Moon-Rising) is a good idea or maybe, if you know you chart well enough, you can check out the signs that are strongly emphasized in your Natal Chart.

Calendar vector created by wannapik – www.freepik.com

Ok, if you’re still with me so far, here it comes:

ARIES

A Ram is a Ram. They’re always right and don’t give a fuck. It is easier to kill them immediately than to start arguing with them because it is only possible to win an argument with an Aries in one case – if they’re blind, deaf and mute with no arms or legs (and even then, there is a huge chance they will still find a way to flip you off). But Aries are honest. Sometimes they are so honest that it makes your teeth ache: they will answer very honestly if your haircut doesn’t suit you or your dress makes you look fat. There is nothing you can do about it, you will have to accept it (or kill them, as mentioned above).

In household affairs, Aries is usually useless – they can only generate brilliant ideas and try  not to defile the soles of their feet with the drudge of menial daily existence. However, if you somehow convince Aries that Sagittarius washes the floors better than them – they will work their fingers to the bone polishing  your hardwood floor every Saturday because there is not a thing in the world that Aries would let Sagittarius be better at.

Aries is never boring – this sign has some karmic fucking talent to find adventures for their beautiful ass. They earn money easily and quickly but as proud and principled types they hate the moolah so they try to get rid of it immediately. At the same time these bitches always have some money stashed away which is actually much more becoming or appropriate for a Virgo. Because of the unfathomable carelessness they usually forget about the stash which is great for the heart friend of Aries, especially if this friend is a Gemini.

TAURUS

Taurus is fucked up and I have nothing more to say about this sign. Much more stubborn than Aries, but does not have Aries’ charming carelessness. Big time hoarders, they’re able to lovingly store all the useless shit in their house for centuries and are very surprised when someone tries to throw away all these broken transistor receivers, ball bearings, rags, waste paper, and other trash. They’re very persistent in their attachments, including shitty people which, alas, makes them unhappy in love.

Also, they’re suspicious to the bone, jealous as a bitch, never an innovator and so at first glance they come off as a sad asshole. Secret perverts, they love fucking to the point of losing their pulse. Distrustful of new people but for old friends they will tear their last calico shirt off their back and hair off their ass. What the fuck those friends are supposed to do with a torn shirt isn’t something they’re able to think of to begin with. Altruistic, even though they always get punched in the face for it.

GEMINI

Gemini are very cool if it is just one and quite a clusterfuck if they are at least two of them. Can chinwag without stopping for at least three days and never once repeat themselves which is generally fun but sometimes is tiring. Everyone is usually jealous of them because they are jack of all trades  and try to apply themselves to anything and everything. To put it simply, they’re sticking their nose in every (butt)hole they can find. But no one knows how difficult it is for Gemini to survive and make choices in this huge world of opportunities – they always think that life is passing them by even if they’re ears-deep in shit in events. They like to fuck, eat and get new information – best if it’s all happening at the same time. For this, they’re known as perverts, although in fact, it just saves time.

They’re phenomenally lazy, ninety percent of the turbulent activity unfolds only in order to be finally left the fuck alone. Generally come off as a scatter-brained imbeciles, although in fact they’re not that dumb and don’t mind reading Kant and Kierkegaard when occasionally they take a break from jerking around (this reading is often accompanied by idiotic giggling and interjections like “er-r-r” or “um-m-m..” which actually looks pretty cute because only Gemini can find any humor in Kierkegaard’s works). Sentimental as a cheap port whore, they believe in romance although they constantly disown it and defiantly grin teeth at those who talk about it. In love they’re usually unhappy (and I want to say – because they believe in romance) because the only one who’s capable of enduring Gemini’s constant extravaganza of idiotic fun and fun idiocy is Aries. However, there is not enough of those shitheads for all of Gemini.

CANCER

I might sound biased but IMHO there is no sign worse than Cancer. Cancers are suspicious schmucks constantly bothering everyone with questions like: “If I sit in the hot tub after Pedro Francesco Dickheado, who of course jerked off under the water to my luminous image, will I get pregnant?” Meanwhile, they are absolutely unbothered by the fact that they do not have a hot tub and they’re a man. 

Cancers tend to constantly imagine the end of the world, get scared of their own imagination, get hysterical and turn to Virgo for comfort. Squeamish as a scum, they will surely die from hunger on a deserted island because Cancers are physically unable to eat a product which is not wrapped in plastic and which is lying, say, under a palm tree.

They like to fuck but somehow without any vigor to it. However, if they want to, they can give it some heat but afterwards they eat themselves up with shit for trying so hard in vain. Cancer women are the kind who watch porn with the hope that in the end everyone will definitely get married. They like to talk gloomily and at length on the topic of their own sores and other life failures, which scares away everyone but Taurus – they are even more tedious in matters concerning one’s own bodily functions. Cancers are loyal because they are afraid of chlamydia and trichomoniasis. They are prone to drunkenness and philosophy, yet both of those things don’t do them any good.

LEO

Leos divide people into two categories – the retinue, who are allowed into the inner circle, and the lackeys, who are used for sharpening claws and teeth. Selfish, certainly, but Leo’s selfishness is usually forgiven because of their holy and unwavering faith in their own ‘fucking awesome’-ness. They are suckers for flattery so you can use it to get anything you want out of a Leo. Generous and do not mind laughing at themselves. Everyone else should refrain from making fun of the Lion if you don’t want to spend the remaining hours of agonizing existence in the intensive care with a stake up your ass. Boorish, but elegant. Capable of trampling anyone up to their ears in poop, which they sometimes do out of pure curiosity and idiotic childish desire to see what will happen.

Leos want to be masters in everything. They make it very clear to their partner just how much un-fucking-believable luck and happiness came to them in the form of a Leo and demand to be treated appropriately. They do not mind if in everyday life they are addressed simply as “Almighty”. However, they are loyal friends and like to give expensive and valuable gifts to once again make everyone imbued by their majesty and grandeur. They like to eat, sleep and blabber and because of that are often friends with Gemini. Unbearable in large quantities if you are a Virgo, Cancer, or Pisces.

VIRGO

What can I say about this sign when the dry science has already said everything for me? Virgo is the most fucking cruel and inhumane sign of the zodiac. According to international statistics, most psychopathic  maniacs are Virgos. Those bitches are able to smile at you affectionately and in their head draw a delightful picture of your guts wrapped around a chandelier. 

I’ll tell you one secret – all little Virgos plan to become the Dark Masters of the Universe since childhood, and when they grow up and realize that they have fucked up, they become just heartless monstroids and with their pedantry and love of law and order (and this, of course, is rooted in their snotty desires to rule the Universe) they poison the existence of literally everyone who is ‘lucky’ enough to live  on the same territory with a Virgo. A Virgo wife is the kind of woman who makes your bed when you get up to take a piss at three in the morning. A Virgo man is the scariest math teacher you can imagine. Control freaks, of course. They even fuck on a schedule because everything should be in order. They do not explain the reasons for their actions to anyone, the root again lies in their childhood megalomania. 

However, they can fall into the other extreme – not to deem themselves worth a penny and to play a victim and a sacrificial lamb day in and day out which annoys the fuck out of others. By the way, they like to play on the nerves of loved ones in general and they suffer for show in public usually believing in their own suffering which causes them to get sick and wither. In everyday life they are actually useful because they know all sorts of lifehacks (learned while planning to become the Dark Master). All in all, you can live with them if you completely ignore them and remove weapons from the house.

******

Part 2 can be found here

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