Funny (but Offensive!) Horoscope: The Dirty Truth About Each Sign. Part 2.

Part 1 can be found here

LIBRA

Briefly – a damn aesthete. Can’t make up their fucking mind about anything and like to go on about Picasso-Shmicasso and  “Oh, Holy art!” yet they can’t be bothered to take the trash out of the house when it’s full.  All their adult life they run around in search of the bright ideal and so they can’t find time to learn how to cook or sew buttons. Libras like to dress up meanwhile annoying the hell out of everyone around choosing between tha-a-a-t one with pearl buttons and thi-i-i-s one with silk stitching. They don’t mind sleeping around even if they have a permanent partner and explain their infidelity by the fact that in their heart they’re always true to the One and the body is just the fetid dust of being and doesn’t mean anything. 

All-in-all these bastards are chasing the peace of mind that’s so important to them but is basically unattainable because their slutty nature always outweighs the highly spiritual ideals. Like all indecisive fuckers they often suffer from nervous diseases like psoriasis and gastritis. Envious, but not malicious. Libras tend to stick their ass out for someone and do it solely out of masochistic love for humanity, not with the goal of getting something out of it. They usually look gentle and sad and tend to awaken a dangerous desire to caress them and take under your wing which should not be done under any circumstance because Libras can brain-fuck you harder than all the other signs combined. They are in a constant state of cognitive dissonance between reality and wishful thinking because they’re suckers.

SCORPIO

The sex-terrorist. When there’s no one to fuck they start brain-fucking, usually themselves. They’re constantly gushing with all sorts of delusional ideas, narcissistic to the point of shitting themselves, and are ready to stare into the mirror at their reflection all day long with a tender smile stating that there is definitely no one more beautiful in the world. Hysterical, and somehow do not hesitate to flaunt it. Their only interest in life is  fucking and their own precious selves… well, in some cases they show interest in people who are interested in them. Good-natured, if you don’t try to borrow money from them. By the way, they love money almost as much as they love themselves and know how to earn it. 

These bitches are super-secretive. Getting information out of Scorpio that they don’t want to divulge is almost as difficult as marrying off a fifty-year-old virgin. These two-face assholes are constantly thrashing about choosing  between high ideals and the desire to play a rotten trick on someone. In their desire and ability to break through a brick wall with their forehead Scorpios can only be compared with Aries. Often they choose the same stupid goals but do not give up out of principle. They stoically endure all the shit that permanently happens to them because they know  they deserved it. In general, they give off an impression of a terrible, loud, menacing and formidable creature but deep down they’re white, soft and fluffy.

SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarius is another zodiac clusterfuck. The personal opinion of a Sagittarius is bound to become the ultimate truth for everyone who happens to be nearby. They express it willingly, often, and even when they are strongly advised not to do so and are threatened to be hit in the face for it. They are genuinely perplexed if people take offense at them for this.

In general, these bitches are a very lucky sign in life which does not compensate for the constant lack of money. Sagittarius, despite their tendency for incessant verbal diarrhea, usually has a lot of friends who are keeping them, the poor things, fed and warm. And all this because they know how to deftly pretend to be a kitty-cat, especially when their mouth is busy with food. Their main drawback is that they can not shut up telling everyone the truth about everyone and sometimes get carried away for which, again, they often get beat up. They are prone to all forms of drug addiction as well as religious fanaticism, which is essentially the same thing. They’re kind but you can never tell it right away.

CAPRICORN

At first glance – miserable shit (C). Capricorn’s motto is “No matter how fucked up it was today, tomorrow will probably be even worse”. These bitches keep the cheerful mask on so as not to get in trouble for being so grim but all the same they do (get in trouble). Capricorn comprehends happiness in only one way – they work like hell. An idle Capricorn is a dead Capricorn. If they are not able to work, they will still come up with a lot of strange things to do because without work Capricorn can not achieve Zen, and a Capricorn who does not achieve Zen is a Cancer. Do you really want that?

In the beginning they seem meek and even tame but at the first convenient opportunity they will ram their gnarled horns right up your ass and they will do it with special pleasure if you are a Gemini or a Leo – they can not stand  these signs for inappropriate playfulness. Capricorn is a smart-ass. Stingy – but not always. They feel best when they’re hugging a money bag. They like to tease and pick on people and don’t stop even when the situation gets hot but they do the picking so well that the fuckers are surprised themselves when they manage to get away with it. In general, they’re not that evil although they definitely look it. When choosing partners, they’re guided mostly by common sense and calculation so in family life these jerks are happier than anyone else.

AQUARIUS

Special features – everyone, well, absolutely every scum likes them as if they’re made of gold. When it comes to chatter they’re a worthy competition for the Gemini. They’re  eager to communicate, even in an unfamiliar company, like a sailor after a long voyage is eager to get to the red light district. They always have the look of someone who fell out of a tree and this is what fascinates others. Aquarius has the slight flair of being fucked-up in the head and their inexplicable charm attracts crowds of silly enthusiastic fans. Even if everything goes through the ass in the life of Aquarius, they manage to give out advice to others and some-fucking-how the advice works! 

With all the visible and tangible fluffiness and awesomeness they are potentially great criminals. Aquarius is always a con artist even if only in their dreams. There is no Aquarius without criminality in their dark and shadowy past. They break the law without any remorse and even, I’m not afraid of this word, with pleasure. At the same time, these bitches understand perfectly well unlike, for example, Gemini that it is not kosher to do so but they don’t give a fuck. They look like a cross between the Mad Hatter and Marilyn Monroe.

PISCES

There are two types of the Fish: the devils straight out of hell who have become blinded by their own unscrupulousness, and the angels who are faithful, truly kind, with unshakable morals. And the vile kind of Pisces, as a rule, is  forgiven for everything they do, while the angelic martyr Pisces irritate others with their unattainable holiness and sanctity. 

They can sleep around so much it is scary but to catch them in the act or make them admit to it is harder than to see a wrinkled dogfish. Until the very last moment, you will look into her honest, tearful eyes and keep believing. Pisces are soulless assholes with no moral principles. They tend to bullshit everyone even when there seems to be no need to thicken  the fog and mislead people but you don’t feel offended for this as Pisces have terrible pangs of conscience. 

This is a common thing for them and sometimes their conscience tortures them even for what they did not do. They tend to idealize people and afterwards resent them for being assholes. They can suddenly start taking revenge on the world around them in an abstract and fucking idiotic way. It is touching to see them live in their illusions and even when they turn out to be scum and douchebags  they are still unwittingly forgiven for their utter inability to live in our material world.

Funny (but Offensive!) Horoscope: The Dirty Truth About Each Sign. Part 1.

Before we get to the dirt I promised to you guys in the clickbait-y title there are a few disclaimers I need to make:

Disclaimer #1. I am not the author of the original text. The author is, unfortunately, unknown and this text has been circulating the ru-net since the early 00’s as a sort of new-age folklore. I am, however, the author of the translation you’re about to read. I’ll do my best to  keep to the original whimsical style (not so difficult as it is close to my own) and the use of the profanity (slightly more difficult as English is my second language after all).

Disclaimer #2. As the title clearly states, much of what is said about each sign is offensive… or can be taken as offensive by people with severe humor deficiency. So if you don’t think you can stomach some home truths about your sign in an exaggeratedly caricature manner and heavily seasoned with dirty words – this is your chance to surf away to something more agreeable. 

Disclaimer #3. This is just the basic undiluted sign archetype descriptions. Unless you were born with a 7-planet stellium in the same sign, chances are you have a mixture of energies. So checking out the big three (Sun-Moon-Rising) is a good idea or maybe, if you know you chart well enough, you can check out the signs that are strongly emphasized in your Natal Chart.

Calendar vector created by wannapik – www.freepik.com

Ok, if you’re still with me so far, here it comes:

ARIES

A Ram is a Ram. They’re always right and don’t give a fuck. It is easier to kill them immediately than to start arguing with them because it is only possible to win an argument with an Aries in one case – if they’re blind, deaf and mute with no arms or legs (and even then, there is a huge chance they will still find a way to flip you off). But Aries are honest. Sometimes they are so honest that it makes your teeth ache: they will answer very honestly if your haircut doesn’t suit you or your dress makes you look fat. There is nothing you can do about it, you will have to accept it (or kill them, as mentioned above).

In household affairs, Aries is usually useless – they can only generate brilliant ideas and try  not to defile the soles of their feet with the drudge of menial daily existence. However, if you somehow convince Aries that Sagittarius washes the floors better than them – they will work their fingers to the bone polishing  your hardwood floor every Saturday because there is not a thing in the world that Aries would let Sagittarius be better at.

Aries is never boring – this sign has some karmic fucking talent to find adventures for their beautiful ass. They earn money easily and quickly but as proud and principled types they hate the moolah so they try to get rid of it immediately. At the same time these bitches always have some money stashed away which is actually much more becoming or appropriate for a Virgo. Because of the unfathomable carelessness they usually forget about the stash which is great for the heart friend of Aries, especially if this friend is a Gemini.

TAURUS

Taurus is fucked up and I have nothing more to say about this sign. Much more stubborn than Aries, but does not have Aries’ charming carelessness. Big time hoarders, they’re able to lovingly store all the useless shit in their house for centuries and are very surprised when someone tries to throw away all these broken transistor receivers, ball bearings, rags, waste paper, and other trash. They’re very persistent in their attachments, including shitty people which, alas, makes them unhappy in love.

Also, they’re suspicious to the bone, jealous as a bitch, never an innovator and so at first glance they come off as a sad asshole. Secret perverts, they love fucking to the point of losing their pulse. Distrustful of new people but for old friends they will tear their last calico shirt off their back and hair off their ass. What the fuck those friends are supposed to do with a torn shirt isn’t something they’re able to think of to begin with. Altruistic, even though they always get punched in the face for it.

GEMINI

Gemini are very cool if it is just one and quite a clusterfuck if they are at least two of them. Can chinwag without stopping for at least three days and never once repeat themselves which is generally fun but sometimes is tiring. Everyone is usually jealous of them because they are jack of all trades  and try to apply themselves to anything and everything. To put it simply, they’re sticking their nose in every (butt)hole they can find. But no one knows how difficult it is for Gemini to survive and make choices in this huge world of opportunities – they always think that life is passing them by even if they’re ears-deep in shit in events. They like to fuck, eat and get new information – best if it’s all happening at the same time. For this, they’re known as perverts, although in fact, it just saves time.

They’re phenomenally lazy, ninety percent of the turbulent activity unfolds only in order to be finally left the fuck alone. Generally come off as a scatter-brained imbeciles, although in fact they’re not that dumb and don’t mind reading Kant and Kierkegaard when occasionally they take a break from jerking around (this reading is often accompanied by idiotic giggling and interjections like “er-r-r” or “um-m-m..” which actually looks pretty cute because only Gemini can find any humor in Kierkegaard’s works). Sentimental as a cheap port whore, they believe in romance although they constantly disown it and defiantly grin teeth at those who talk about it. In love they’re usually unhappy (and I want to say – because they believe in romance) because the only one who’s capable of enduring Gemini’s constant extravaganza of idiotic fun and fun idiocy is Aries. However, there is not enough of those shitheads for all of Gemini.

CANCER

I might sound biased but IMHO there is no sign worse than Cancer. Cancers are suspicious schmucks constantly bothering everyone with questions like: “If I sit in the hot tub after Pedro Francesco Dickheado, who of course jerked off under the water to my luminous image, will I get pregnant?” Meanwhile, they are absolutely unbothered by the fact that they do not have a hot tub and they’re a man. 

Cancers tend to constantly imagine the end of the world, get scared of their own imagination, get hysterical and turn to Virgo for comfort. Squeamish as a scum, they will surely die from hunger on a deserted island because Cancers are physically unable to eat a product which is not wrapped in plastic and which is lying, say, under a palm tree.

They like to fuck but somehow without any vigor to it. However, if they want to, they can give it some heat but afterwards they eat themselves up with shit for trying so hard in vain. Cancer women are the kind who watch porn with the hope that in the end everyone will definitely get married. They like to talk gloomily and at length on the topic of their own sores and other life failures, which scares away everyone but Taurus – they are even more tedious in matters concerning one’s own bodily functions. Cancers are loyal because they are afraid of chlamydia and trichomoniasis. They are prone to drunkenness and philosophy, yet both of those things don’t do them any good.

LEO

Leos divide people into two categories – the retinue, who are allowed into the inner circle, and the lackeys, who are used for sharpening claws and teeth. Selfish, certainly, but Leo’s selfishness is usually forgiven because of their holy and unwavering faith in their own ‘fucking awesome’-ness. They are suckers for flattery so you can use it to get anything you want out of a Leo. Generous and do not mind laughing at themselves. Everyone else should refrain from making fun of the Lion if you don’t want to spend the remaining hours of agonizing existence in the intensive care with a stake up your ass. Boorish, but elegant. Capable of trampling anyone up to their ears in poop, which they sometimes do out of pure curiosity and idiotic childish desire to see what will happen.

Leos want to be masters in everything. They make it very clear to their partner just how much un-fucking-believable luck and happiness came to them in the form of a Leo and demand to be treated appropriately. They do not mind if in everyday life they are addressed simply as “Almighty”. However, they are loyal friends and like to give expensive and valuable gifts to once again make everyone imbued by their majesty and grandeur. They like to eat, sleep and blabber and because of that are often friends with Gemini. Unbearable in large quantities if you are a Virgo, Cancer, or Pisces.

VIRGO

What can I say about this sign when the dry science has already said everything for me? Virgo is the most fucking cruel and inhumane sign of the zodiac. According to international statistics, most psychopathic  maniacs are Virgos. Those bitches are able to smile at you affectionately and in their head draw a delightful picture of your guts wrapped around a chandelier. 

I’ll tell you one secret – all little Virgos plan to become the Dark Masters of the Universe since childhood, and when they grow up and realize that they have fucked up, they become just heartless monstroids and with their pedantry and love of law and order (and this, of course, is rooted in their snotty desires to rule the Universe) they poison the existence of literally everyone who is ‘lucky’ enough to live  on the same territory with a Virgo. A Virgo wife is the kind of woman who makes your bed when you get up to take a piss at three in the morning. A Virgo man is the scariest math teacher you can imagine. Control freaks, of course. They even fuck on a schedule because everything should be in order. They do not explain the reasons for their actions to anyone, the root again lies in their childhood megalomania. 

However, they can fall into the other extreme – not to deem themselves worth a penny and to play a victim and a sacrificial lamb day in and day out which annoys the fuck out of others. By the way, they like to play on the nerves of loved ones in general and they suffer for show in public usually believing in their own suffering which causes them to get sick and wither. In everyday life they are actually useful because they know all sorts of lifehacks (learned while planning to become the Dark Master). All in all, you can live with them if you completely ignore them and remove weapons from the house.

******

Part 2 can be found here

You complete me: The Batman – Joker axis in Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight”

While there are many adversaries Batman faces both in comics and on screen, the Joker is the one that defines him best by juxtaposition. In every version of the story different authors endow these two with various shades of the traits from the appropriate spectrum (the good guy or a hero vs the bad guy or a villain), yet they still end up as a complementary palette to each other.

juxtaposition

In my search for the next movie character(s) to examine through the prism of astrological archetypes I thought that the somber saga by Christopher Nolan about a hero dethroned and banished would be a suitable choice. It’s always exciting to rediscover the well-familiar characters.

 

The Joker, of course, was an easy pick. Chaotic, radical, shocking, anarchistic and mad as a box of frogs – all these epithets come straight from the list of keywords for Uranus. Without getting too deep into placements, houses and aspects I will simply stick to the general planet-sign association. Uranus rules Aquarius, so this is the tag we’re putting on our never-too-serious guy. Aquarius is independent and unconventional – qualities that can also describe the Joker. He doesn’t want to be part of any organized criminal group and everything from his methods to his looks and manner is as far from normal as I am from getting a Nobel prize in mathematics  (and  I’m not diminishing my math abilities here).

 

But this isn’t the case of solely siding with negative characteristics of a sign or planetary energy. Aquarius under the rule of Uranus is socially oriented (like all Air signs) and looks for ways to contribute to the society. The way is usually found through radical reforms and tearing down the existing structures and boundaries in order to create new ones. The Joker’s eccentric manner leads our neurons down the familiar pathways: crazy equals dangerous equals villain. But if you really break down what is happening in “The Dark Knight”, it turns out that it’s not only for the devilish charm and playful charisma which Heath Ledger gave this version of the Joker that he appeals to us. There is more to this guy, just as there is more meaning to his actions than simply creating chaos for the fun of it (though, “chaos for the fun of it” is the sauce the entire thing is dressed with).

batman2Jokerflip

Let’s take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture of what is going on in Gotham at the beginning of the film:

 

The city is sinking in crime. All the good guys are fighting it – the city officials, the police, Harvey Dent and Batman himself – but with zero effect as the crime rate doesn’t seem to decline whatsoever. The cops are still corrupt, the streets are full of thugs and the Mob is well and thriving. Everything functions just great in this fine tuned mechanism, this system that had been established long before Bruce Wayne lost his parents and decided to try and change the order of things in Gotham. And while it’s quite clear why everyone else can’t put an end to this (cops aren’t superheroes), it is interesting to note that Batman’s efforts to clean up the streets seem to be as productive as raking water uphill. Why? Not for lack of trying, of course, and not even because he is just one person. The reason is that he is also a part of this system. He joined it in “Batman Begins” when the city installed the signal light and accepted him as an unofficial part of the crime-fighting force. The mechanism adjusted to the new part and the status quo remained undisturbed. All the law enforcing action we see is just a veneer. Enter Joker.

 

The guy who wants to see everything burn because the old system can not be adjusted or changed – it needs to be destroyed completely in order to move forward. The guy who self-describes as an “agent of chaos” (very Uranian) and praises chaos for being fair and unbiased (very Aquarian). Well, sure, that’ll get some sympathizers among anarchy-oriented types, but there really aren’t that many out there. Then, how come this particular version of the Joker have gathered a larger crowd of fans than any others? Heath Ledger’s performance is definitely a big part of it, but in addition the Dark Knight’s Joker doesn’t appear to be a senselessly evil one. He’s not a villain just for the sake of being a villain, neither is he driven by personal ambitions or desire for power. He’s a guy with a vision and ideals, a true revolutionary who’s ready to risk his life for the cause (and we see that he often does).

 

Violence is a part of any revolutionary movement but it is only condemned in case the change of power fails, otherwise all the bloodshed is seen as done for the greater good. Besides, if we actually do a body count of people killed by the Joker personally, most of them turn out to be criminals – the ones he robs the bank with or the ones working for the Mob. He blows up a hospital that is completely empty and even lets Harvey Dent point a gun at his head and play a coin toss version of the Russian roulette. So while it appears that he leaves piles of corpses in his wake, he actually doesn’t, and as for Rachael… well, he [quote] “…was locked up in Gordon’s cage the whole time!” Obviously, unlike the corrupt cops who claim to have had no knowledge of what would be done to Harvey and Rachael, the Joker knew. But was he the one to orchestrate all of that? Does he really look like a guy with a plan?

 

From the very beginning you can’t help but wonder at the vast resources he has at his disposal. I mean, sure, he isn’t in it for the money, however, it is unlikely that all of the people who work for him share this principle. And it isn’t just financial resources – the information the Joker has, the level of organisation of all his feats and actions, like the amount of explosives at the hospital, on the two ferries, around Harvey and Rachael – all of this shows that his team is very efficient and has no problem getting access to the necessary items and locations without much trouble and on time. Finally, the Joker himself gives away his true position in the chain during the motorcade chase: “ I like this job!’ – he says – ‘I like it!” This job? As in “I work for someone”? That would explain why he comes in as a powerful player with deep pockets, yet not being the part of the Mob.

 

I should probably steer back to the knight in matte armor before this article turns into “who’s behind the Joker” theory. Gives you guys some food for thought for later (hint – always look for the motive).

UcompleteME222

Anyway, with the Joker being so clearly an Aquarius (at least in my opinion) I took it easy on my brains and followed his clue, since from my personal experience Aquarians do have these higher insights and often stumble upon the truth by force of some divine inspiration. He tells Batman: “You complete me” and this translates into an astrological aspect of an opposition, which is two signs that are polar opposites of each other. Like two sides of the coin, they complete each other and – even though they are different – they are not completely different, being a part of one whole. This means that Batman should be a Leo, so let’s take a closer look to see if we can make the shoe fit.

 

If I had to choose only one word to describe the archetype of Leo, I would probably go for “dramatic”. Leos like attention, which isn’t bad in itself. They are also confident, courageous and natural leaders (all three apply to our subject). They are creative, however, this creativity is to some extent driven by the desire to be in the limelight and win the respect of others. When Bruce gets all negative about the copycats, it raises the first flag. Why so negative? It’s not like the guys are running around in Batman suits and robbing people. They’re inspired and trying to help, but “this isn’t the kind of inspiration” he was hoping for… is it because they are crowding the stage?

 

What about the method he has chosen to clean up the streets of Gotham in loving memory of his parents and his own childhood trauma? There’s a common joke about Batman’s superpower being his money. It is often shown in both Batman Begins and the sequel that not only he has plenty of it but also has many wealthy connections and is sure enough that his sources will never dry up. So sure, that he can buy high-end restaurants on a whim. Seems like there is more than one way to reduce crime and corruption rate, like, oh, I don’t know…giving the money to the city budget to raise cop’s salaries high enough so that the Mob can’t compete? Maybe also sponsoring educational and family programs to lower the number of kids growing up in addiction- and crime-inducing environment? Free rehabs for addicts? I’ve only been brainstorming for two minutes here, I’m sure there are other projects that could have been created and funded… but what is it that they all lack? The flair. The show. The drama.

 

Incidentally, all of the above would be legal ways to achieve the goal. The copycats Batman is so unhappy about are technically increasing the amount of crime in the streets, since they aren’t authorized to assault anyone, including criminals. But neither is Bruce Wayne. As the R-r-r-r-russian prima ballerina Natasha puts it, he is a ‘vigilante who thinks he is above the law’ and since he was successful in taking down Ra’s al Ghul in the previous part, the police are only too happy to shift the load onto him. The light that Gordon installs on the roof doesn’t seem to upset Batman too much, so we understand that secrecy and element of surprise is not his chosen tactic.

 

We could try to justify Batman’s thinking that he’s above the law by the noble motivation as well as the problem of corruption among the police officers, if it only ended there. Leos are confident and authoritative, but can get a little too arrogant at times. While talking to Alfred about the Joker and his reasons, Bruce says: “All criminals are simple” – quite dismissively, as if the moment one breaks the law the uniqueness and complexity of a human being is just zeroed out. With a single exception of him, apparently, since he always conveniently forgets that he isn’t a perfect law abiding citizen either.

 

Perhaps you have noticed by now, that I seem to be sort of pro-Joker and anti-Batman in this little article of mine. No, I’m not. Not really. I happen to have an exact Sun-Uranus trine in my chart and with the Sun placed quite strongly it is not overpowered by Uranus, thus I strongly identify with both energies. Also, having some Leo in my chart, I know how our tribe can be at times (no offence, you guys, y’all know you’re awesome, of course). Any which way, it’s not really the case of one sign being better than the other. Each of the astrological archetypes, if seen as a color, can have a great variety of shades – from dark to light. And each individual chooses their own path, their own actions, which shades to use.

 

The reason the Joker is not as bad as a true villain should be and Batman is not as good as a true hero should be is that this is how they are shown in this film. The title itself – The Dark Knight – in which the key work is “dark” doesn’t refer only to Batman’s outfit. The character is  much darker himself, despite fighting on the good side. He’s much too often unnecessarily violent (to the copycats, to the SWAT and while interrogating the Joker) and concerned with his personal matters (Rachael, of course). He gets emotional, while the Joker stays cool and detached. Yes, the Joker yells and screams and acts crazy, but that’s all for show. If you watch closely, you’ll notice he doesn’t get personal, not one bit. This is another great demonstration of fiery, emotional and dramatic attitude of Leo and cerebral, emotionally withdrawn  Air sign of Aquarius.

 

Finally, if the Joker’s crazy insight on him and Batman being two parts of one whole doesn’t make a respectable argument for some, we can also listen to Alfred, who tells Bruce: “Perhaps, he’s a guy you don’t quite fully understand.”  Being polar opposites does complicate comprehending, but astrologically speaking, this can refer to some other aspects, like quincunx or semi-sextile. Is there something that unites them, just like the two signs of an opposition are united by modality and polarity? It looks  to be the fight for the souls of the people of Gotham, which neither one is able to win hands down yet neither one is willing to give up. Firmly entrenched (as the fixed signs would be) in their own ideas on the subject, they keep going at it all the way till the end of the film, and probably after as well since the Joker doesn’t get killed, only detained. For how long, I wonder (remember the mysterious powerful figure he is likely working for?)……

Canes Atroces OR Astrology of Reservoir Dogs

I have recently purchased John Frawley’s “Horary Astrology Textbook” and I was having a blast while reading it. From the first pages I liked his style and no-nonsense attitude. This article is not a book review but I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone studying astrology.

The textbook is often quoted on forums in threads about horary  readings, but my favorite quote from ALL of Frawley is not about methodology of chart interpretation. If you open this textbook on page 65 (the part about “Moon void of course”) you will read the following: ”It is rumored that Quentin Tarantino was inspired to make Reservoir Dogs by the sight of astrologers discussing the meaning of void of course.” OK, I really need a ROFL emoji here!

It is true, discussions on this topic can get brutal, but I am just glad some astrologer  out there (I suspect it was Frawley himself) decided to start this rumor , thus combining two of the things I enjoy greatly – astrology and Quentin’s breakthrough masterpiece.

dogssss

An article idea didn’t take long to pop into my head. There are numerous articles on various film and book characters’ Zodiac signs out there but even though I haven’t done an extensive search, something tells me the Dogs weren’t written much about. In fact googling for “reservoir dogs zodiac signs” produces only one relevant link to a page with character’s GIFs, names and signs (2 signs per person) and no explanations for the choice. I feel like the task was to *randomly* divide the 12 signs equally between the six “Misters” so that no Zodiac sign feels left out. It gives an impression that someone didn’t even watch the movie, because if they did, it went over their head. Joe and Nice Guy Eddie are left out, instead the Dogs are the nominal six guys in suits.  I mean, OK, Mr. Brown is somewhat identifiable as Gemini with his stream of verbal diarrhea  – and Gemini was not the choice of that… uhm… article. What’s more, even Mr. Blue gets described with a Zodiac archetype – and the guy only has four lines and and 2 minutes of screen time!

In any case, I think it is time someone had not only posted about it, but actually gave it some thought. My first impulse after I decided to write this entry in my blog was to re-watch the film for the God-knows-which-th time, since it’s been a while, but then I thought it would be better to go on what’s left in my memory about the characters. After all, it would be the brightest features and the qualities that showed most that would help me to define them.

For any astrology-savvy people, I need to make a disclaimer – this is just the Zodiac archetypes, the basic energy each one is embodying. So please save your arguments about ascendants, Sun and Moon signs, aspects and houses for some other article. Unlike Dexter (read article here), whose life story is described in detail, these guys’ lives are shown only in connection with the robbery, so I am not attempting a full delineation for each one.

Let me start with the Dog whose sign was the easiest one to tell:

Mr. Pink – Virgo

“Keep calm and act like a professional” should be on this guy’s coffee mug. Amidst the post-robbery chaos Mr. Pink tries not to let emotions get the better of him. Like any Virgo, he keeps them safely locked up in a special vault. He urges the others to think, to analyse, to try and figure out who the rat is. The desire to be rational and “act like a professional” along with harnessing any emotional outbursts could also describe another Earth sign – Capricorn. Why isn’t he the Goat?

See, Capricorn is cardinal, it’s more like Joe’s “My way or the highway” boss-like attitude regardless of the actual position of a person in any organisation. Virgo is mutable, ready to change the alliances on a moment’s notice and adjust to any circumstance life should throw at them. Capricorn is, much like Aries, bent on moving forward butting any obstacle with the horns. Virgo is quicksand, shifting its way around the problem rather than fighting it openly. They can, of course, if they’re forced to, but it is never their initiative. And that’s what we see in his interaction with others.

Mr. White – Sagittarius

He’s the most jovial type of them all, the kind you keep forgetting is a criminal until you see him shoot out the car. In all other scenes his face bares a good-humored expression and with his concern for (and later – protection of) Mr. Orange he really steals our hearts as being a gangster with one. This bond with Mr. Orange is also quite revealing for both characters. Sagittarians indeed are open-hearted and would go an extra mile or two for a friend they have met 3 days ago. Besides, this fatherly attitude (as he keeps calling Orange “kid”) is another typical trait – they like to be seen as a figure of authority. Not the “I’m the boss, so you must listen to me” Capricornian authority. Sag’s agenda is more like “I’m pretty wise, so you should listen to me and you might learn some good things”. In this particular example it translates into: “Are you a doctor? No! So listen to me – I’ve seen some stomach wounds and it takes days to die from them…so you’re not going to die!”

His conflict with Mr. Pink only confirms my choice – these two signs are in a square to each other, which is an aspect of conflict. Sagittarius is annoyed by Virgo’s nitpicky attitude, his nature is to see the bigger picture and he can’t be bothered with every detail. He believes, he doesn’t analyze. If he believes Mr. Orange is “a good kid” and can not be a rat – then it is beyond doubt. Virgo Mr. Pink, on the other hand, wouldn’t rule out his own mother if she was a member of the group. He would only base his decision on carefully collected evidence. This unwavering belief in the essential goodness of humankind gets many Sagittarians in trouble, which in the case of Mr. White became a fatal mistake.

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Mr. Blond – Scorpio

Yes, yes, I know. Stereotypical AF, you will say. Nevertheless, let me explain. The ear cutting scene is, of course, the one that would be the reason anyone even remotely familiar with Zodiac archetypes will rush to stick the label “the nasty one” (aka Scorpio) right across Mr. Blond’s mugshot. And that is definitely following a stereotype. Scorpio does not equal blood lust or cruelty. Dr. Josef Mengele, a nazi physician who not only supervised  the selection of arriving transports of prisoners, determining who was to be killed and who was to become a forced laborer, but personally performed multiple surgeries without anesthesia as part of his experiments, was a Pisces Sun and a Libra Moon. So please, put you labels away and I’ll tell you why Mr. Blond’s a Scorp.

From the very beginning he acts as cool as a cucumber. The opening scene aside, there’s more than enough going on to tip one’s balance. Everyone’s freaking out with different degree of intensity, while this guy is entirely in his element. Scorpio and the 8th house is associated with work in both police and criminal structures. Ever wonder why? It has nothing to do with morals, those are left for Sagittarians to deal with. It is all about danger – Scorpios thrive in it. If they can’t get it at work, they create it elsewhere in life. Sometimes by choosing an extreme hobby, sometimes by simply getting in all sorts of trouble, just to see if they can get out.

After getting away from the immediate danger at the store, Mr. Blond’s danger-o-meter goes straight back to zero. It doesn’t matter that there are cops “out there” – his danger tolerance level is a dozen times higher than all of his…hmmm…. colleagues’?… put together. He stops for a bite, picks up a cop to-go and shows up at the warehouse as if he’s just 5 minutes late for another day at the office. Quite masterfully provokes Mr. White, without any seeming effort, by slighting his authority (remember – Sagittarius is sensitive about that). So yes, like a true Scorpio he knows what buttons to push and likes doing it just to see how people would react.

And before we get to the iconic Danse Macabre, I want to take you guys back to Joe’s office where fresh-out-of-jail Blond is asking Joe when he can get some “real work”. The whole business of doing time for someone is, naturally, all part of the job when you’re building a career in organised crime. Mr. Blond’s attitude to it is what adds to him being profiled as Scorpio.

He is not looking for praise or trying to curry favor with the boss, he doesn’t care how far up the ranks it would get him nor is he interested in the financial benefits that come with this feat. He did Joe a solid and now the old man owes him. There’s no need to put it in the limelight but this info will be recorded…. No, it will be etched in laser in Scorpios memory and stored for eternity, or until the time comes to call in that favor. Joe knows it, Blond knows it, it’s a part of their power play. Incidentally, Scorpios like to call in favors in the most dire situations. Just in case you know a Scorpio or two – be ready. It is also useful to know that they’re not desperate and are very likely to be able to manage without you but they want to test you. You know, just to see what you would do.

Back to the warehouse and the cop torturing. As we have seen, blood thirst is not exclusively a Scorpio’s feature, so it is more important to watch HOW he goes about it. Again, his reasons are not the superficial “Me want hurt you” or asserting his power. He does have the power over the man and he knows it. Pain is not the goal, it’s the means. The means of exploring, in the words of Heath Ledger’s Joker, “who this man really is” (when you take a knife to him). Some Scorpio-influenced Plutonians out there, provided the rest of the chart has some tense placements, do very similar things without spilling a drop of blood, but causing the same (or higher) equivalent of emotional pain instead. I’m not trying to add to their bad rep. It is an essential part of a complex process of healing others, unfortunately not every Scorpio has read the manual till  the end.

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And just as abruptly as the scene with Mr. Blond jamming out to Steelers Wheel is ended, were are going to jump to the guy who did it.

Mr. Orange  – Aries.

He was the hardest one to define and for a good reason – he’s undercover. I bypass another stereotype of “undercover = secret = Scorpio”(because, again, it’s not about the job, but about HOW he does it)  and we only have one clue so far – Mr. White. They get along quite well, which must mean Mr. Orange is either another Fire or Air sign. Yet, it’s futile to look for any more hints at Orange’s Zodiac sign in his behaviour as a member of the gang. Since he’s undercover, he’s wearing a mask that is hiding his true identity, he’s playing a role of some other guy that is not himself. So what do we have left to go on?

Not much. Half of the time he’s not doing anything other than bleeding out on the floor and the rest of the screen time is divided between pretending to be someone else and learning 4 pages of text, which he seems to struggle with, so we can eliminate Gemini (besides, it’s already taken by Mr. Brown).

I spent a few days mulling over it until the revelation came – there IS one moment where he shows his true nature which indicates very clearly that he can be none other than the Ram. It is literally just a moment, a split second of action and I kept overlooking it for a while or, rather, it kept blending into the bigger picture. Once I took a magnifying glass to the scant evidence on Mr. Orange’s case, it jumped out at me and I think I had my duh moment of the year.

Without further delay, and because some of you guys are probably not as thick as I was about this particular question, I give you the proof  for my choice: the shooting of Mr. Blond. I mean, it’s so simple, I still want to hit myself for not seeing this before. Luckily, my hands are busy typing, so instead, let me  tell you just how perfectly everything falls into place with Mr. Orange being Aries.

Impulsiveness, of course, is one of the traits of this sign. To be fair, other signs are not strangers to spontaneous decisions, however we can immediately eliminate Libra – they would have taken so long to consider all the pros and cons of shooting, the cop would have been roasted twice by the time a Libra had finally chosen one option (which they still would not be sure about).

That leaves us with Leo and Aquarius to look at. Leos are just as brave as Arieses but they’re much more concerned with their own well-being and have the capacity to realize such an action would put their ass in even deeper trouble than they already are, cutting all chances of surviving the ordeal down to 0%. Yes, they would have felt bad for the cop, but Leos value their precious self above all else. They’re ruled by the Sun, and this point of view is quite natural to them – we can all go on living if Venus or Neptune just up and disappears, but without the Sun… well, you can use your imagination to think just how long the Earth would last if the Sun disappeared.

Aquarius is the sign with a completely opposite world view – everything is done for the benefit of all people, the entire community and not just to serve the interests of one. So in this particular scenario an Aquarian would also feel sorry for the cop but he wouldn’t endanger the entire operation, the work of the large group (police) and all the efforts they put into catching the big fish.

This leads us back to Aries by way of elimination, but let’s test it a little more just to make sure we got the right one. Arians, just as Leos, are pretty selfish folk, but their selfishness is different. They’re not so much about their own well-being. They’re more about doing what they want, come hell or high water. Incidentally, very often it does come, which is just what they’re looking for, since they have to apply all that Mars energy somewhere. They almost never take time to think what the actions might lead to – once they decided to do something, the only thinking that is done is about how to do it.

There is another side to it all, too. I don’t want it to look like being an Aries made Mr. Orange too daft to understand he’s blowing his cover. It was this particular situation that appealed to another trait of this sign – the desire to protect the weak.

Every Zodiac sign has a legend of how it got to be in the skies. Here’s the one for Aries:

King Athamas and his wife Nephele had an unhappy marriage, so Athamas turned instead to Ino, daughter of King Cadmus from neighbouring Thebes. Ino resented her step-children, Phrixus and Helle, and she arranged a plot to have them killed. She began by parching the wheat so that the crops would fail. When Athamas appealed for help to the Delphic Oracle, Ino bribed messengers to bring back a false reply that Phrixus must be sacrificed to save the harvest.

Reluctantly, Athamas took his son to the top of mountain, overlooking his palace. He was about to sacrifice Phrixus to Zeus when Nephele intervened to save her son, sending down from the sky a winged ram with a golden fleece. Phrixus climbed on the ram’s back and was joined by his sister Helle, who feared for her own life. They flew off eastwards to Colchis, which lay on the eastern shore of the Black Sea…

Later, the ram’s golden fleece appears in myths about Jason and the Argonauts, but the theme of saving the innocent children is the one we’re interested in.

You see, it was the cop’s helplessness Orange couldn’t tolerate. If the cop hadn’t been tied, if he and Mr. Blond were fighting and Mr. Blond had overpowered the cop, I doubt Mr. Orange would have lifted his gun – after all, it would have been a fair fight and dying while fighting criminals is what cops do. But trying to take a life of someone who isn’t given the chance to protect themselves touched that deep core belief in justice that any Aries carries in them. Which, in turn, triggered the impulse to do what he wants and sees as the only right thing to do in this particular moment, not burdening himself with any concern for the future, including his own. Paradoxically, a selfish impulse lead to a selfless action.

So there you have it – four main characters explained astrologically as I see them. I finally get to pour some tea and go watch the film again. As I said, it’s been a while…

The Three Faces of The Moon.

 

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When one starts studying astrology, it quickly becomes obvious, that everything is linked to everything else and there is a neat and rounded system to this knowledge. Many of the objects and characteristics are organized or grouped by two (concept of polarity) or three (concept of triplicity).

 

Polarity embodies the principles of masculine and feminine, light and dark, Sun and Moon and so on. Division by four, as we can see in the elements (fire, water, air, earth) or directions (South, North, East, West) are just double polarities.

 

Triplicity is based on the three stages of development and is closely connected with… no, not the Christian trinity, but with a much older divinity – the triple Goddess of pagan times – the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone. This also finds its reflection in astrology, most obviously in modalities (cardinal-mutable-fixed) and house types, but also less obviously in other places. If we take the planets of the septener (the 7 visible ones) and leave Mercury to itself, as this planet is hermaphrodite, we have 2 triplicities of male and female. Mars, Sun and Jupiter correspond to Young boy-Father-Old man stages, while Venus, Moon and Saturn show us the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone. 

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The Moon can also represent all three stages completely by itself with the 28-day cycle of waxing and waning (with the new Moon being  “death and re-birth”), so it is no wonder in both Eastern and Western traditions this celestial body is of great importance. Well, also perhaps because it is physically the closest object to the Earth and even people not related to the study of natal charts know it affects us (e.g. the tides).

 

The Moon represents our subconscious, our emotions, but is also connected with the body. It is truly multi-functional and quite unique in the way it shows both the soul and the vessel for it. In addition,  its orbit also gives us a few extra points in the chart to play with – the North and the South Nodes (again – notice the polarity) and Lilith, the Black Moon… wait, but where is it’s antipode? You might have heard about it, but sadly Black Moon and information about her dominates over the astrological world the same way gasoline cars dominate over electrical ones in the current market. If you’re looking for information on Lilith – it is abundant. Controversial, but abundant. All major online chart calculating software includes her by default. There is no sign of White Moon anywhere but astro.com and even there you get the choice of three Liliths (four, if you count Waldemath Black Moon, a hypothetical object) and only one White Moon (two if counting a hypothetical object Selena).

 

Why so many? I’ll try not to bore you with a long scientific explanation. Basically, Black Moon is the furthest point from the Earth on the Moon’s orbit (Lunar Apogee), regardless, of where the Moon is at any point in time. By analogy, White Moon SHOULD be the closest point of this orbit (Lunar Perigee), and not some imaginary point with easily calculated ephemerides(table of positions). With all due respect to the astrologers who came up with it and calculated its path – it is bad enough that apogee and perigee are fictitious points in the chart (they don’t have a physical representation in the sky), so we don’t need to add more imaginary things to this mess.

 

That leaves us only with points that are actually on the Moon’s trajectory. Still we have two of each, which in my humble opinion is two too many. The reason for such variety of choice is that the Moon’s orbit is highly affected by the gravitational pull of the Sun which results in great monthly oscillations. In other words, the Moon’s orbit wobbles and causes difficulties in calculation, so mean value was introduced. I understand the need for it at the time when the charts were drawn by hand and the software was available to very few people and was not as precise as it is now. However, nowadays we have the technology to calculate the exact position in seconds, so I feel that the mean value for both of these points, as well as the Nodes, is becoming redundant. It reminds me of an old joke where a nurse is reporting to the doctor at the beginning of his shift about the stats in the hospital: “The average body temperature is 36.6℃ (98℉), including the mortuary!”. To give another example here – my brother has two kids and I have none. On average, we have one child each, but in reality the amount of diapers I have changed in my entire life equals zero, while my brother had changed a large number of them.

 

Thus, the average (mean) value of the focal points on the Moon’s orbit is not likely to reflect the real state of things. And that leaves us with only two ladies – the True Black Moon (Lilith) and the True White Moon (Selena). It is worth noting that in Avestan School of Astrology these points are called Arta and Druj – terms from Zoroastrian theology, which help to investigate exactly what these points reflect in the chart. I don’t want to confuse you by introducing new names, just know that those are the points I use in my work and if you use ZET software you’ll find them in the settings under those names. For now I’ll keep referring to them by their more familiar names taken from Jewish and Greek mythology.

It is a common belief that Lilith is bad influence, the tempting demon, while Selena is our guardian angel and shows all things good.  Similarly to Saturn being viewed as a great malefic and Jupiter as a great benefactor by the majority of astrology enthusiasts out there. Sure enough, Saturn transits bring plenty of difficulties just as Lilith transits can bring devastating experiences (especially when combined with slower planets activating our chart). This “badness” is very subjective and is perceived through the lens of our ego. We don’t like to struggle, to feel bad, to work hard and to lose things. Few of us appreciate these difficulties for the contrast they create and knowledge and experience they give us. How can you know what happiness is, if you haven’t been miserable? And how would the light exist without the darkness to contrast it?

 

Saturn is considered bad because it brings limitations and delays, while Jupiter makes things happen easily. Saturn is the driving instructor that fails you for any minor violation times and again, until your knowledge is solid. Jupiter is the examiner who gives you a pass just because you showed up and because he’s in a jovial mood today. Which driver would you feel safer with – the one tested by Saturn or Jupiter?

 

There is no doubt that Black Moon shows the point of great sensitivity in our charts. Most seem to think that it shows an accumulated “bad karma” in past incarnations, something that we have to atone. In addition, they say that in accordance with mythology of the name given to it – Lilith – it is our own individual demon that tempts us, provokes more bad deeds and actions and should be resisted. Some argue that this point is an indication of a great creative potential hidden within our deepest and darkest fears and desires. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle, partially containing some of the ideas above.

 

The White Moon has much less debate about its nature, all of them positive of course, the difference from author to author is in the shades of her meanings. Guardian angel, accumulation of positive karma (good deeds from past life), a point of integration (in opposition to Lilith’s point of separation) – you get the gist. I personally prefer the view of Selena as the area in which we are masters of balance. Mind you that a balance is rarely achieved by doing only good and right, just like a physical balance of the scales requires some fluctuation at first. This should make Black Moon our point of imbalance or weakness we can try and master.

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Let’s remember our Triple Goddess pattern and think how these three points of the lunar orbit – the apogee, the perigee and the physical placement of the Moon – could correlate with the three symbols. Physical Moon is in the middle position, just as our physical body is here and now. It is, in a way, a mother to our soul, or at least that part of our soul that it contains. We can either nurture the child/soul, ignore or mistreat it, just like many mothers do and did in the long history of motherhood. This stage of the soul development has a dual nature to it, which is hard to wrap your brains around at first. The soul/child gets the body/mother (physical Moon) to complete a certain stage in its growth, also shown by the physical Moon. But then again, what isn’t dual in astrology? Depending on what type of chart you’re reading, Moon can show a mother/motherhood or a very young person(child). 4th house (house of the Moon) is your home and childhood but at the same time is the house showing the end of your life.

 

If you’re brain is boiling now, take a break and come back whenever you’re ready – the article will still be here. If you’re already used to this multi-layered and multi-faceted astrological approach, let’s talk about the other two – the Maiden and the Crone.

 

Since the Maiden is associated with purity, chastity and innocence, while the Crone is an old crazy hag in the eyes of many, I’m guessing majority would say White Moon is the Maiden, while Lilith is the Crone. Hence the view of Lilith as a great power within us as the Crone, while old and ugly, is also wise due to her age and experience. Nevertheless, you should remember, that if Black Moon is weak and prone to temptation, she is just like a young and inexperienced girl, who is yet to make some mistakes, which she will hopefully learn from.

 

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White Moon doesn’t have to deal with temptation, not because she had learned to resist, but because she’s at the stage where it is no longer a temptation for her. She’s on a completely different level – wise, balanced and whole. She’d been there and done that, she had made mistakes, been deluded and tempted  (Lilith) and through continuous process of growth and experience (physical Moon) she learned to separate the wheat from the chaff. She knows the truth, which Black Moon is searching for. Incidentally, the Avestan name for the True (osculating) Lunar Perigee that I mentioned above is Arta, which is translated as “true statement”. This is the kind of truth you get by empirical knowledge. Something you KNOW to be the truth.

This goes to contrast something I BELIEVE to be the truth, e.g. if someone else convinces me of something that is false, but I sincerely believe and trust that person, I will repeat the false statement with zero intent of lying. According to general karma theory, if I have no bad intent and in my understanding of things, I am not doing a bad deed, then it shouldn’t be bad karma. I could be a 16th century scholar stating that Sun goes around the Earth and condemning Copernicus for his theory. It doesn’t make me a despicable person. It just shows my Black Moon stage of development. It is, just like any other stage, necessary. After all, if you want growth, you need to have room for it.

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Astrology of Lara Croft, the Tomb Raider.

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The spring of 2018 has seen the revival of Lara Croft’s big screen adventures in “Tomb Raider”, the 3rd movie about this popular video-game character. I was looking for screen characters to put under my astro-flavored scrutiny, and Lara grabbed my attention. I must have a disclaimer right here: I have NOT played the game. I had more fun bringing murder into a game where it was not present by original design. If you want to know how to kill a Sim – ask me 😉

 

Nevertheless, I did have a general idea of her due to some friends who played it, and when it came to getting the feel of Lara’s planetary energies, it was quite easy. She’s a scientist (archeologist) so a strong Mercury is a must. But obviously, not enough. Mercury alone gives you Nancy Drew. Mars is even a bigger must here, due to the nature of the game and Lara’s constant physical activity. In fact, the opening paragraph of the Wikipedia article sums her up right along those lines: “ She is presented as a highly intelligent, athletic, and beautiful English archaeologist who ventures into ancient tombs and hazardous ruins around the world.” So we got intelligent (Mercury), athletic (Mars) and beautiful (ok, I’ll throw in Venus for good measure) with love of risk and adventures (Mars again, but if it’s in good relationship with Mercury in the chart, the curiosity instigated by the latter will add oil to the fire).

 

Looking at the birth chart of Lara herself, I go for noon of October 25th, 1996 when the first game was released. Here I stop typing and take a moment to pat myself on the head. Good girl! The computer version Lara’s Sun and Moon are both ruled by Mars (in Scorpio and Aries respectively), Mars is strong in fire sign of Leo and is friendly with Mercury, sending it an exact sextile – an aspect of cooperation. It’s like “I’m nosy and feisty but I don’t let it work against me!”. In addition Mercury, while in Libra, is strengthened by mutual reception with Venus in Virgo. Yup, she’s smart AND sexy, but not overly girly (not with all that Mars in her chart). So how would the chart compare to those who became Lara for millions of moviegoers? We shall see after a brief digression.

 

The release of the 3rd movie caused the fan base to split, as it usually happens, when their favourite character changes face. It’s a normal part of the process, we all have the right to be subjective in our preferences and we exercise that right like there’s no tomorrow. I stopped watching Batman films after Christian Bale resigned. I probably would have given anybody else a chance, but I just seem to be totally allergic to Ben Waffleck (no, it’s not a typo), even though I’m sure he’s a great guy and all that. His brother’s performances I enjoy greatly, so at least this allergen doesn’t run in the family.

 

As far as Lara goes, I have an opportunity to be a little more objective – I have not watched any of the screen adaptations, but I’ve liked both of the actresses in other films I have seen. I watched more things with Angie, of course, due to age difference … ok, so those of you I haven’t lost when I said I didn’t play or watch Lara Croft, and those of you I haven’t lost when I called Ben the nicer name in my book – you’re probably leaving now since I’m calling Angie old. The ones who know that nobody is getting younger and is ok with that –  let’s continue, shall we? I have only watched about 3 films with Alicia, but usually one or two movies is enough to gauge the energy a person is sending out into the world. The Danish Girl was amazing, by the way, but we will come back to it later.

 

Anyway, I will leave all the critics, experts and fans alone with their opinions and look at the box office data. Let the money talk, as they say. I tell those people to stop taking acid and pull out the calculator. The boxofficemojo.com conveniently provides the numbers I’m looking for and the first thing that stands out is that the reboot made a larger portion of gross income abroad (79%) compared to just above 50% for the ones with Jolie. Whatever the reason behind that was, we continue to analyze the numbers. With the first picture pulling in $274 million, second – $156 mil and the new one $273 it’s easy to assume Warner Bros. managed to produce a feature that was just as successful as the original Tomb Raider adventure. Not so fast. Remember I asked to pull out a calculator? With 15 years difference, we need to adjust for inflation.

 

Now, I firmly believe my middle-school math teacher would be proud of me for not losing my nerve when an X / $$$ = CPI(2) / CPI(1) equation appeared on my screen after googling “how to adjust for inflation”! I knew I would need the knowledge of how to solve those formulas SOMETIME in my life, so I paid attention in class. CPI turned out to be Consumer Price Index and 10 minutes later we have our results: the 2001 picture made what would be $385 million in 2018, new Tomb Raider comes next with the number that’s not changed – $273 and in 2003 Lara’s saga brought in $212 million in 2018’s dollars. While beating The Cradle of Life by about 29%, the last Tomb Raider stays far behind the first one.

 

I would say the two main reasons behind that are that there is a plethora of badass female protagonists nowadays, from Wonder Woman to Black Widow, from Alice (Resident Evil) to Katniss Everdeen, so the competition is tough. Another one is that the general moviegoers rate has dropped with the development of online streaming services over the last decade or so. In any case, I think we’ve digressed enough and it’s time to come back to planets and charts now.

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If you forgot – we’re looking for strong Mercury, Mars and some Venus as well, but not overpowering the first or especially the second.

 

Angie’s chart is probably very well known to anyone who have studied astrology via youtube videos and blog articles – her and Brad were the textbook examples for synastry lessons for everyone creating that kind of content circa 2006-2016. I wonder who they’re using now…

 

 Without looking up in astrodatabank I know her Sun and Mercury are in Gemini, which is wonderful. Mercury is in it’s own sign and also rules the Sun. Moon is in Aries, giving her the needed badassness and after looking up the chart I found Mars in close conjunction with it as well. So the two main planets we were looking for are both in their domains and both rule a luminary, their energy is showing strongly. In addition Mars rules Jupiter, and by the dispositor chain, two other planets and ASC in Cancer, so it’s quite natural Angie is kicking ass not only in Tomb Raider but in many other features.  Venus is in zero degree conjunction with the ascendant, explaining the title of the sexiest woman alive for quite a few years, but it’s not really strong in Cancer and doesn’t have any supporting aspects, unlike Mars and Mercury, so while pronounced in the chart, Venus lets the boys lead.

 

Alicia Vikander’s birth time is not available in the astrodatabank, so we’ll have to do without the houses. Nevertheless, sign positions and aspects will be enough to estimate the planet’s strengths. Mars is in Aries again, which is a good start. But luminaries is where we run into a problem. Libra Sun ruled by Venus and Cancer Moon in its own sign. Mercury is in Libra also, ruled by Venus again, and Venus is in mutual reception with the Sun. So far Venus is leaving Mars far behind. This situation could be changed slightly by a house or an angle placement, but honestly with Venus getting better aspects than Mars, it is unlikely to matter much. And the watery Moon placement drowns (no pun intended) the situation completely. Cancer is nurturing and motherly. The only time it will go snappy and aggressive is to protect their family. Protect in Cancer world means “when there is actual danger”. Cancerians do not protect proactively. And not likely to be looking for any adventures, as this sign’s manifestation is to break away from the traits expressed by the previous one. Gemini’s curiosity and nosiness is one of them.

tomb-raider-vik

Now is the time to come back to The Danish Girl mentioned earlier. Here we see the perfect fit for this kind of chart – an artist (Venus) being extremely supportive of her husband (Cancer) despite the quite peculiar situation (no spoilers! Go watch it, it’s really worth your time!). In mythology of Zodiac signs, Cancer got to be in the skies for trying to protect his distant relative – the Lernaean Hydra. When Heracles came to kill her to save the population around the area, Cancer attacked his foot and was stomped on by the hero. Gods placed Cancer among stars to commemorate his devotion to the family. This is quite the distinctive feature of the sign – family comes first, anything else – and I mean anything – second. Cancer didn’t care that Hydra poisoned and ate others, he cared that she was his great-great-aunt or third cousin twice removed or something like that. Similarly in The Danish Girl one would think with the situation at hand there is very little reason for Gerda to stay, but she does and tries her best to adjust to the needs of her partner  (a Libra trait). And that’s why it’s a very convincing performance that is sure to bring tears to your eyes – the energies of the character and the person portraying it are in sync.

 

However, they’re not syncing as neatly with Lara Croft. Definitely not as much as Angie’s do. I really don’t like watching action movies, but I found a few minutes for trailers and clips with both ladies in question. Well, I needn’t have bothered with Jolie. Honestly, even when she walks the red carpet she looks like she could kick your ass any minute. I’m not talking about the physical ability or actual desire to do so. I’m talking about the look in her eyes that says “Don’t mess with me”. Eyes, as we know, are windows to the soul. And the natal chart, in words of Carl Jung, is a map to it. When I look at Angelina as Lara, I think to myself: “Ok, if I had to venture into a dangerous tomb, I’d take someone like that with me without hesitation”.

 

With Alicia it’s different. I am sure she did the best she could, but one thing you can not do is change who you are (no matter how good you are at pretending aka acting). With all the physical aspects done at a very high level (Mars is in it’s own sign, after all), when I look at the new Lara, a famous Stanislawski’s quote comes to mind: “I don’t believe it!”. Somehow, she comes off as just a little “too nice”…